And Dance By the Light of the Moon

Well, its a marvelous night for a moondance

With the stars up above in your eyes

A fantabulous night to make romance

'neath the cover of october skies

And all the leaves on the trees are falling

To the sound of the breezes that blow

And Im trying to please to the calling

Of your heart-strings that play soft and low

And all the nights magic seems to whisper and hush

And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

Can I just have one a more moondance with you, my love

Can I just make some more romance with a-you, my love

One more moondance with you in the moonlight

On a magic night

La, la, la, la in the moonlight

On a magic night

Cant I just have one more dance with you my love?

Romance? Hah!

So I was flipping through my channel guide. You never know what weird movies are going to be on (My Faraway Bride comes painfully to mind) and I stumbled on a movie that contains one of the WORST movie kisses in all history. At least in my opinion. It got me thinking about this list I made long ago... so I give you a list of movies to watch and the moments to fast forward to... and challenge you to disagree with me. These kisses are awful!

Kindergarten Cop: So there this moment when Arnold Schwarzenegger has just saved Penelope Ann Miller's movie child from falling off a light tower. She's understandably upset and he chooses this moment, in her moment of fear and need, to kiss her. You can tell that Ms. Miller is horribly repusled and there isn't the slightest bit of chemistry in this moment. He, making the grand gesture, grabs her and kisses her forcefully. I would say passionately, but clearly this kiss is primarily one sided, in spite of the fact that she is clutching at him desperately; desperately trying to get away from the looks of it. I remember even as a teenager thinking that it looked uncomfortable. It's true. Horrible and completely unromantic. Go Arnold.


The Truth About Cats and Dogs: You know I loves me the Janeane Garafolo. She's dry, witty, and eternally pessimistic. Enter cute curly-haired guy. He's one of those movie guys that a fuss was made over, but you never really saw him in anything else. So he's spent the ENTIRE movie lusting after Uma Thurman and is clearly attracted to her. In the end, he finds out that it's just her outer beauty that he's loved and clearly, should instead be with Janeane. While I applaud this choice, it certainly doesn't look like the relationship will last. Why? Well he's sent her some roller skates. She puts them on and is dragged off by his dog. Yes. Romantic. She's taken to a park bench to meet the guy, and after some conversating, they kiss. They kiss like two 12-year-olds who've made a pact to try this kissing thing out, that is. It's very studied and forced. And in spite of their smiles... yeah. He'll start dating the cute girl at the bar and she'll settle for the sound guy from her radio show. The real Truth.


Maid of Honor: The leading lady in this film gets engaged while she is knowingly in love with her dirtbag best friend. While away he "realizes" he's always loved her and never known it. Blah. So he of course busts up her wedding to the poor schmuck in Scotland she got impetuously engaged to and declares his love in the middle of the ceremony. Granted he does eventually get punched out, and rightly so, but for the bride to kiss a man other than her bethrothed by grabbing him and licking his esophogus in front of the whole wedding party is kind of gross. Engagement breaking notwithstanding... ICK. May I remind you of the church-tongue rule clearly established by The Wedding Singer? Let's be appropriate please... even if it IS clearly an inappropriate moment.


Some Kind of Wonderful: No one could ever correctly say that I was the biggest fan of Lea Thompson. But the kiss between Eric Stoltz and her character in this movie couldn't be more painful to me. I love a good 80's teen film and this movie is no exception. But to watch him kiss Amanda Jones... it's that studied "this is how it looks when it's really passionate" moves they're employing... makes me uncomfortable and NOT in a good way. She did better kissing her "son" in Back to the Future to give you my honest opinion. Ick.


Newsies: Who doesn't love boys dancing around, singing songs, and throwing in a pelvic thrust anywhere they can? I know I would not be included in that group! You go through the movie, there's catchy songs, handsome Christian Bale, that kid from Big... and then there's the obligatory girl. Yeah, she's fine. Her singing voice was dubbed, but she was pretty and probably fit into her costume. Yay casting agents! So she kisses Jack at the end at his most triumphant moment. They've beaten the big paper guys and the GOVERNOR is there to give him a ride. Be he can't leave without a kiss... a horrible, awkward, almost missed her lips kiss. She's initially a bit put off, but then remembers she's supposed to like it. Oops! Not in time to save the moment, I'm sorry to say.


I made a list once of all the movies with uncomfortable kisses and horrible romantic moments once... if you're looking for more pain and suffering I can try to dig it up and make some recommendations to you if you really want. This is a good starter list to get you going. So some evening when you're depressed, put on my first selection and be grateful you're not Ms. Miller. I know I am!