Decisions, Decisions

Should I order the steak or the salad?

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life and the choices I've made. While I realize it's kind of pointless to wonder, I can't help but ask myself a lot of what if questions. Some of the things in my life have been beyond my control and I've had little choice about. Like moving so much. But I can't help but wonder regardless.

What if I'd never moved so much and had grown up in the same place from childhood to adulthood? What if I had stayed in Montana instead of moving to Spokane? What if I hadn't dated this guy or that guy? What if I'd never met my friends? What if I'd taken that bank job instead of my curent job? What if I really did change my last name to Schnitzelheimmer like I always said I would in Jr High school? What if I had Vanna White's job? What if I really did win the lottery? What if I'd moved to SLC in 2000 instead of staying in Spokane? What if I moved to SLC now? What if I stayed here in IF? What if I moved to Boise? What if I picked up and moved to Florida and didn't tell anyone? Ha ha. What if I were three inches taller? What if I had been born a midget? What if I were famous? What if I really did sell my art and didn't need a real job? What if I had to live in my car? What if I woke up and someone was there with me? What if I gave birth to an alien baby? What if I had webbed feet? What if my forehead was smaller? What if I had a different nose? What if I'd bothered to take piano lessons more regularly? What if I had a pet monkey that could do tricks? What if all my hair fell out? What if I got really sick? What if things in my life finally came together and were good?

Some of them are kind of random, but they popped in my head. And to be honest, they're all things I've thought about in some detail at one point or another. Even the alien baby. Although that was mostly after watching sci-fi or horror films. I feel like I have so much to think about, and so many decisions to make. And I really don't want to make them. Sometimes I wish someone could make them all for me, but then again that really wouldn't be much of a life. How could I possibly learn and progress if I'm not deciding for myself?

And so it goes... time keeps on ticking and my mind rolls over all the opportunities and options I have. Guess I just need to decide what kind of life I want for myself and then work to make that a reality. Hard decisions, but I'm sure I'll get it figured out. I've already had to make a few hard choices already, but they're for my good.

The hardest decision I'll have to make all day? Do I bother getting out of bed or not? Perhaps that should be the subject of my next poll...

Achoo - Cough - Wheeze

Sunday is a really boring day when you're at home with the flu.

I've been holed up on the couch all afternoon with blankets various and three different remote controls. Curse you universal remote! I can't find you anywhere and I NEED you so desperately! The 2 liters of 7up I've been sipping on is nearly gone as well. Which I guess is ok. The snowflakes on the bottle were annoying me anyway. The television selection for today has left much to be desired, other than a few Sunday night cartoons. While I long to be out and about and most likely infecting others with the flu, rather I've stayed home alone, to prevent the spread of disease. Whee.

I suppose it's good that I'm alone. Given my semi-cranky mental state at present. I would blame the drugs but I've really had very little reaction to them for the first time in my life. Most drugs have a strange effect on me, especially those of the over the counter persuasion. Let me tell you the tale of my night with Nyquil... while for most people it is that stuffy-achey-clear-nasal-passages-so-you-can-rest-or-sleep-medicine for me it is not. I had a cold one evening, and was miserably stuffed up. And if there's one thing I hate most about being ill, it's not being able to breathe out my nose. So, hauling my grizzley and stuffy butt out of bed I headed to the kitchen in search of whatever drugs my parents had for a cold. As the light from the hallway shone and glinted on the pretty green liquid, I thought about the commercials. They always seemed to drink the Nyquil, and then gently lay on their pillows, unstuffed-noses breathing happily as they drifted off to dreamland. It was too tempting. I poured the green syrup into the properly measured amount and then raised the cup to my lips... and drank.

Then immediately stopped and dumped out the two drops that were left. ICK. That is the nastiest stuff I've ever tasted, and would ever taste. Thinking it was all worth it, I trudged back to my room and layed down for the promised restful sleep. Which never came. Rather I tossed and turned, and could NOT sleep. After a while, my heart began to race and wild thoughts entered my mind... why couldn't I sleep? Why weren't they letting me rest? And why didn't my knees touch? Where were my socks and how did they get off my feet? My bed was also laying flat and hadn't I curled up the mattress before?

Yeah.

About the time I started to shake, I started to cry. My dad knocked softly on my door asking what was wrong. So I got up, wild-eyed and crazy haired, to explain that I couldn't sleep. I could now breathe at least (thank you for THAT Nyquil) but I could not get the rest that I so desired. Trembling, I took my dad's hand and he led me to the family room, turned on some late night TV, and tucked me into the short couch where I continued to cry and shake from about 10PM on till 3AM. About 3AM I settled down a bit, and wasn't shaking quite so much. My dad gave me some other cold medicine (I think the tasty kind usually reserved for children and NOT 15 year olds) and sent me to bed where, exhausted, I promptly fell into my flat matressed bed, where my knees could indeed touch, and socks were off my feet because I took them off when I got hot.

So for the flu, I have taken Tamiflu, as prescribed by my doctor, and cough drops. Sugar-free black cherry... Mmmm. Nyquil is not in the house, but were it I wouldn't be the least bit tempted. And so I finish my lonely Sunday, by having a quick shower and then snuggling down under 6 blankets with 8 pillows. And probably two cats. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better. And hopefully will make it through another day of work tomorrow.

Mom's Chicken Soup

What am I thinking about? My mind is blank. Get so tired of thinking all the time! I'd like to say it keeps me up at night, but sleeping is my only repose these days. It's cherished time, time that I can forget the mess my life is, and dream of good things, weird things, and things that make sense in a dream world. It's the waking that I fear sometimes.

It's nice to spend an evening resting the brain, mindlessly sitting on the couch and enjoying the quiet of an empty apartment. The only sound is a washer downstairs running it's cycle. Very soothing.

If I were to start thinking about it, really, things aren't so bad. Granted it's been a horrible year so far for relationships, cars, physical well being, and taking trips to London, but I think things might be looking up soon. There are a few bright spots in life and they know who they are. The friendly ear, the kind smile, the shoulder to cry on and the laugh. Lets not forget one other...

The warm embrace. Ah, my favorite of the five comforts. Sometimes all I need is for someone to take me in their arms, hooooooooold me for a minute and tell me that it's okay. In my hour of need, this is what I covet more than anything. Generally this service is most appreciated when from my mom or dad, as I don't get to see them as often as I used to anymore. In the interim, it's generally provided by other family members and friends. I don't think they know how much I need it or appreciate it... or crave it.

Could use a little comfort tonight... have a few friends around. Particularly enjoying the laugh. But would like to be settled in with some strong arms around me, lips whispering that everything is going to be okay.

And when I stop thinking about it, I almost believe things will be.

Music

Ever get a song stuck in your head that you must listen to over and over and over? And although I've replayed it about 20 times now, I'm still not sick of it. Everytime I hear the opening bars of the song, chills run down my body and I get excited to hear it as it plays. It's amazing what affect music can really have on you. It moves you to dance, to cry, to laugh, and often times I remember a song from 10 years ago where I can't remember a person from a few month ago. Weird how that works.

Been in kind of a romantic mood, although I'm not sure why. Guess cuz it's February, Black History Month. And the month containing Valentines Day. Seems only natural to think about it, and the fact that it's cold makes me feel snuggly to boot. Got to keep warm.

Listening to the songs that I've had in my head makes the romantic feeling a lot worse, too. It's nice when someone else is listening to those same songs and hopefully having the same feeling... can't be 100% sure anymore, seems like. But I remain hopeful. You always hear the phrase Hopeless Romantic and I'm afraid I used to fall into that category. I would fall and sometimes hard, only to have to pick myself up because there was no hand to help me do that. Guess I didn't used to need one, but would have liked one. You'd think I would learn my lesson, but I didn't. Kept hopelessly falling, then having to get back up again.

Lately, I've been feeling like a Hopeful Romantic. Don't know what brought about that change in me but am glad for it. Usually takes something happening to open your eyes to make you take a good look around, and I did have something happen. I felt that sinking feeling in my chest for a moment, and then my eyes opened, I looked around, and was suddenly free again. Back to myself and actually happy for that.

And so as I sit at the computer and listen to that same sappy romantic song over and over again, I feel hopeful. And Happy. And glad for the talented individual that can write the music that's made me feel something.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

I hate when I don't know what I'm doing. Although this is supposed to be the Year of Living Dangerously, I certainly didn't think that it meant what it has so far. Perhaps I need to elaborate.

Firstly, I went down to SLC for a cousin's wedding (which was delightful!) and broke a tooth at some point. Which caused such pain as I have never felt in my life. I thought the side of my head was going to blow off with the pain... fortunately, I had a lovely lovely friend keep me calm and drive me to the hospital where I was given a shot and some hardcore pain meds. Much to my relief. Is it living dangerously to not go to the dentist when you need to or just stupid?

Anyway, had to drive home from SLC in the snow, which was dangerous. Made more so by the fact that I ran out of wiper fluid as well. Had to pull over at a gas station to refill it, because I couldn't see. Driving when you can't see: dangerous or again just stupid?

When I got about ten miles or so away from home, the heater in my car suddenly stopped working, my engine started to heat up, and I was glad I was nearly to my apartment. Drove my car home, checked all the fluids, and everything looked ok to my silly girl brain... until the car started to sputter and die on the way to work the next day. Sigh. Finally made it into a garage, but not before such damage was done that I couldn't afford the new engine it would require. Driving your car when clearly there's something wrong with it: dangerous or just stupid?

So let's recap: broken tooth & no dentist, driving when out of wiper fluid, and continuing to drive a car that clearly needs work done and is so damaged after said drive that it's too expensive to fix. What a January. Hell-O February. Will you be as dangerous? Or was it stupid? I seem to keep forgetting.

It's MY money and I need it NOW!

Superbowl Sunday

Nothing quite like a spicy hot wing and a good game. Don't know why or when I started being interested in football, but I suspect it has something to do with three years ago...

If you thought I was going to explain what happened three years ago... ha ha.

PS More artwork to come when my digital camera stops FREAKING out. Hate HP sometimes.

Snowy Saturday

Boy it looks cold outside. And I absolutely hate being cold! Why I am then still in Idaho where snow dumps on you by the bucket full (Jesse) I don't know. So I'm hunkered down in my warm apartment with the heat up higher than I can probably afford, occasionally gazing out the window to see the flakes falling more and more rapidly to the ground. It's piling up out there, and I have no doubt that the plows are NOT out clearing the roads.

Just as soon as I get up enough ambition to go out and actually try to accomplish something, I look out the window and think about brushing the snow off the car, tromping through the drifts to get there in the first place and I wrap back up in my blanket, flop back down, and flip the channels on my new HDTV instead.

At some point I will need to leave. I need milk.