Marriage, Rachel Style!

Having a big, close-knit family can be wonderful. It means there's always someone to talk to, someone to visit, someone who's got your back... and it also means that each life event is a big deal. Even when you want it to be a small and intimate affair.

I recently got engaged for the second time, and while my first wedding was big, all day event the second time I'd much prefer to keep it small. I don't even want a reception. Just a short ceremony followed by dinner. It's certainly not like I need gifts. Between the two of us, we have a household and a half! Sincere, heartfelt congratulations is really all that's needed. And while I'm sure this is fine, I worry that if I don't have the entire family invited to said dinner I will offend them in some way. Which is the last thing I'd want to do. But at the same time I'm not willing to trade in my nice, quiet, stress-free wedding day for the giant all day event it was last time. Just immediate family members and a few close friends. I sometimes wonder if it'd been that way the first time if I wouldn't have had the courage to tell someone that I didn't want to go through with it. It's hard to say.

Things are very different this time, which I take as a good sign. I'm actually HAPPY about it, for one. I'm excited to tell people, for two. And I really love the idea of keeping things simple and easy. Which is why I'm looking into restaurants so no one has to clean up but the people working there. And no all day entertaining, no up early and racing to be ready on time. I'm thinking... marriage at 4pm followed by dinner at 5. Or maybe 530. And the nice thing is, so far Jesse agrees with me! We have very similar ideas about how we'd like life to be, and that's translated into how we'd like our wedding to be as well. Either that or he's just being nice and humoring me... he's cool like that.

I'm reminded of a movie I saw once, about three couples competing to have their wedding featured in a magazine as the wedding of the year or best wedding or... something. There was the tennis couple, the nudist couple, and the musical couple. What comes to mind most is the nudist couple's experience. They so much wanted to be married naked. It was who they were, and what brought them together in the first place. Right from the get-go there was opposition; from family members AND the magazine. They tried to dress them up, clothe them, and create a wedding that wasn't really a reflection of who they were or what they wanted. In the end, they had their way in spite of parents wishes and magazine's fear of offending... and it was quite possibly one of the sweetest moments in film I'd seen in a long time! I actually shed tears! And I never cry during movies. They were married in the nude with no pretense, no mask... just simply and the way they wanted all along.

That's the kind of moment I'd like to have this time. Not in the way anyone else wants, but our way. Simple, quick, easy, and full of happiness and quiet celebration. I've never relished a lot of attention anyway, so if I can keep it simple that will be a huge relief for me. And hopefully everyone can understand and be supportive... even if it is from afar. Either way, I'm excited for the big day, even though we're not completely sure when it will be. Does matter to me though. It'll be a happy happy day!

It's a Wonderful Life... Rachel

It's a sad day when you realize that you really don't fit into your friends life anymore. You're two different places doing two different things, you know different people, you spend your evenings and spare time different ways. Sure you have your memories of when you were together having one adventure after another each day... but then there's the day you spend together and you find that old memories are all you have. And the new times you spend together are spend reminiscing instead of creating new memories.

I had a best friend in 2nd grade through 7th grade. She lived across the street from me, and how's that for convenience??? We went to the same school, the same ward, her mom taugh me piano lessons, my mom did her hair, we played on the same soccer team one summer, and spent many nights sleeping over at each other's houses. It was easy for our lives to blend and I remember one night, a Saturday night, we had spent the night at either her house or mine (I forget which) and then had spent all of the following day together running around the neighborhood. Our mothers were standing on the front lawn at her house talking, and one or the other of us (I again forget which) mentioned something about how we had a question... they looked at us and as our mischevious grins grew wider, our mothers knew, as mothers often do, exactly what we were thinking. No, we didn't get to spend the night at either her house or mine again, but it was a nice idea! Once I moved to Billings, we wrote letters on occasion and it was a nice surprise in the mailbox. We kept loosely in touch and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding even! I was happy to do it. She married her high school sweetheart (they went to Prom together!), they have four kids, and will soon have a 5th. She's happy, and I am extremely happy for her! I can't relate to a lot of what goes on in her life, although I'm always happy to hear about it. But I don't really fit in it anymore. And I guess that's ok.

Most of my other friendships have had similar patterns. One or the other of us moves away, and then I'm left with memories instead of new experiences. We talk about the times when we were together and occasionally about what we're doing now. But it's reminiscing that brings me the biggest smiles. There are fewer adventures driving from the North Side to the South Hill to put lacey panties in someone's glove box and more dinners to catch up. Fewer nights running through the sprinklers at the bank downtown and more meeting for brunch before I have to head back out of town. Fewer midnight movies and more texts to make sure the other person is still alive. I suppose that's natural progression, but it makes me sad. I miss the trips to the outlet malls to Harry & David's and that kid clothes store, I miss late night walks around the block just talking and being sung to about the moon "between my eyes," I miss watching weird movies that NO ONE likes but us, and I miss laughing inappropriately at the hardware store and making jokes about shopping for tools.

Apparently I'm a little lonely. It's not to say I'm not happy, because I am. I haven't had the easiest life, but I'm grateful things are the way they are. I have a nice home, two kitties that love me even if they hate everyone else, a decent job that pays me well, Spring is trying to sprung, an amazing family, and good friends that DO keep in touch. It's nice to feel happy and satisfied with the way things are... but I want more. So, I'm going to quit blogging, take a shower, and go DO something. There are a few art shows in town I want to see... and a knitting party to look forward to tomorrow.