Unclean!

In my semi-old age, I've come to discover an interesting fact about myself... I hate to take showers. I hate baths. I love to swim and one might think that would translate to an overall love of the water. Untrue. I don't like showers. I don't like baths. I much prefer to hunch down in the mud, play in the sandbox, and hose off by running through the sprinklers. Mr. Clean should slap my face.

Part of my distaste may have recently stemmed from my water heaters seeming inability to sustain hot water usage for longer than 15 minutes or so. I haven't timed myself, and suddenly feel as though I must get conclusive evidence. Time myself today, I WILL. (sorry, I've been watching a lot of Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network and often sounding like Yoda I find myself) Because as I think about it, it might be only 20 minutes...

My old hobbit hole in the dungeons of my Idaho Falls apartment had a great water heater. I probably could have stayed in the shower indefinitely and kept warm for years. The water was HOT HOT HOT and seemingly never ran out. I used to love showering. Then. But it's now 12 o'clock in the afternoon, and I don't want to get in the shower at all. I would rather pull my dirty hair back in a ponytail, spritz myself with a little body spray, and head off to work. Unwashed, but not smelly at least. Or if I am people are too polite to say so.

I'll say it: I'm Rachel. I'm disgusting. I don't shower then try to hide it with flowery body spray from Victoria's Secret. I pull my hair back and a greasy ponytail and occasionally wet my bangs to they at least don't look as bad.

There. The secret is out. I guess my complaint now is that it takes time out of my precious sleeping in time, or afternoon nap time, or other times when I'd rather be snoozing. Lethargy has taken hold, but I hope to escape its tantalizing and sweet temptation as soon as the weather gets nicer. The sun is out and it makes me feel like moving instead of laying around like a sad little slug... One might say that my power is drawn from the heat and the sunshine, much like that weird gold guy in one of the old Superman movies. I am the weird gold guy.

And now I'm off to shower, which I loathe at present. I have to because otherwise I'd be starting in on 3rd day hair, which as we all should know, is completely unpleasant for all. And as I listen to the wind blow, my smoking neighbor coughing up a lung and possibly a kidney, and the birds chirping happily in the trees I am reminded that spring and summer are soon upon us all, as is my desire to get up and be productive again.

And for heaven's sake cough it up already. Seriously they sound like they've downed an entire bottle of expectorant and still haven't coughed it up yet. We're going on about five solid minutes now. I may call an ambulance. And wouldn't they just love to see my dirty hair?

Horrible Bosses, Hospitals, and Heartache

February has been a hard month. It seems like everything has gone a bit downhill. Work hasn't been going as well, my boyfriend had an accident and scared me, and I lost a beloved cousin and a great friend. It's been a bit much.

I'm not sure what's going on with work, but I'm almost ready to reapply for my old job and quit the new. I'll take the stress of sales goals above a silly boss who is very discouraging. Just when I feel like I'm getting the hang of it, he focuses me on the one area that I'm still lacking in (and it seems to change a lot) and makes me feel like I'm the worst rep in the history of the company. It's funny because my senior could tell me the same things, and I'll feel encouraged. I'll move on, work harder, and do better when she and I review my performance. I don't know what it is he's saying or maybe it's how he says it, but it makes me want to quit and never come back. Good thing I get a new boss here in a week. I'll see if maybe under different management, my performance will be better.

Jesse got lightheaded, passed out, and hit his head on the side of the refridgerator. His roommate called me and told me about the blood all over, and that he'd been taken away in an ambulance. No mention that he was still concious, just all the bad stuff. So I dash to the hospital from work and happened to get there about the same time as the ambulance did. The nurse at the desk was so nice and sent someone to get me as soon as he was settled. So I went with her into the ER, and he was there with his bloody head, but otherwise fine. I was SO glad I was able to be there for him and take care of him that night. We were there for about 4 hours getting him sewn up, cat-scanned (and no, they didn't have cats come in and look at him for a while), and blood tested. Interestingly enough, while he was getting his head stitched, I started to get a little light-headed myself. It was hard to watch him in so much pain... I think I was holding my breath. So the nurses got me some juice and I left the room for a bit. Didn't take long to settle down, and then a little after 11pm, I bought him a hamburger, drove him home, and got him settled in. After calling his mother and sister to tell them he was alright, I settled in and then couldn't sleep. I have SUCH a hard mattress!!! Note to Self: MUST buy a new one.

So the next morning I was understandably tired. I'd been up half the night trying to sleep but feeling worried that he really would have brain bruising or a cracked skull or something and we'd have to go back. Fortunately, those worries were completely unfounded. BUT - I got a call from my mother, right before my shift started that morning, informing me about my cousin's death. I was so confused, I though she had to mean someone else. But no, she wasn't mistaken. I don't think it registered for days. I kept thinking it couldn't be true. I took a half day on Thursday, traveled to Idaho Falls, and went to the viewing at the funeral home. It was true.

I have to say this was probably the hardest. I was so shocked and sad! We'd grown up together. He was at my parents house as kids with my brother all the time! I remember specifically a time at a family reunion... I had wanted to go out in one of the blow-up rowboats, but didn't know how to paddle. So he said he'd take me out and rowed me around for quite a while as I hung over the side and played in the water. I loved boats! And he patiently rowed me around and we talked and laughed and had a great time. He had SUCH a sense of humor! And that's what I remember most about him. His willingness to help and his natural ability to make even something as humdrum as a rowboat ride so much fun! He never looked at me like something was wrong with me like a few of my cousins did after my divorce. Having been through it, he actually sat down with me for a moment and asked how I was doing. Having been through it himself, I'm certain he wanted to make it easier for me than it was for him. It wasn't a long conversation, but it didn't need to be. I just appreciated that he took the time to ask and to make sure I was ok. He was cool like that.

I miss him. And I miss knowing he is somewhere in the world living his life and being a part of mine. I just hope he knows that he is loved and always will be. I think he does.

Returning to life after last week has felt so odd. Things don't quite look the same and I miss having my family around me. It was hard to hug my mom and dad and sister and brother and grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and cousins and then drive home. I really do have the best family in the world and I wish everyone had the love and support I get from them all. And while things don't quite feel okay right now, I know that it will be eventually. Things may never be the same, but it doesn't mean they won't be good and I have hope that good will just be the beginning...